German Deep Thoughts by Schnitzler
1. "You have reached the German institute of dictatorship. If you would like to donate a
monkey, press 1. If you would like to leave a message for Schnitzler, or any of the guards,
please wait for the tone"
2. "In Germany when you break the pinata, you do not get candy, but a shower of blood"
Alternate- "but the remains of your family"
3. "It was a quiet night in Berlin, music filled the streets. Yet I could only dream of the
American woman...and the food upon her plate that bared my name... HAMBURGER."
4. "In German hopscotch it is not who jumps the farthest, but who leaves the court with the
least amount of tacks in their shins."
5. "A German football is heavier, for it is made of the human skull"
6. "When I first met Vera, her freckled complexion didn't bother me. Nor the candle wax scars
from her father's evil traditions."
7. Every harvest, a man would hurl baskets of walnuts from the roof down to the schoolyard Many children would cry as the nuts struck them. Their parents would often yell, "Don't cry. Don't cry. It is raining the gift of life!!!"
8. When I was a young boy, I asked my grandfather, "Why must I watch the sheep die?" He struck me with his staff and shouted, "Why must the sheep watch you live?"
9. "As my ship sank I could take the candle or take the loaf of bread. I realized the candle would do me no good underwater...but I also hate soggy bread."
10. When I was a boy, a traveling zoo came through my village. The other children ran to see the tiger and the bear, but I stayed alone with the monkey. I spoke to him softly. "You may rattle your cage and scream as loud as you can" I said, "but you will never, ever, be free."
11. "A German Down Comforter is rougher... for you awaken with lacerations all over your body"
12. "In Germany, if you are lucky enough to catch a rabbit on a cold winters day, one must show their gratitude by coating a child's face in the rabbit's blood."
13. "Of the 49 Prisoners...I was the only musician... this became a blessing, as it was only the gentile strumming of the loot that would keep the guards from killing again."
14. "We would always scoff at the homeless man feasting upon a pigeon, but when the famine and hunger came, we needed him, and marveled at his hunting skills."
15. "In German swimming, the pool is not filled with water, but barbed wire and empty canisters of Zyklon-B"
16. "As I lay dying in the desert sand, the vulture circled. "You may consume my flesh," I thought, "but you will not get my Reese's Pieces. I will bury them."
17. "In Germany, a baker's dozen is not thirteen, but eleven. If you have certain social privileges a regular dozen is nine. Otherwise, it is seven."
18. "The battle began. I ran and dodged, but when jumping into the first fox hole, I did not see a fellow soldier or a dead body. Only a half-eaten ham sandwich. I couldn't help myself. I curled up and ate away like a filthy mole."
19. "When the mule would not drink, my father slapped it. When the mule retaliated and bit his hand, my father drew his pistol. When I reached for his arm to stop him, he shot me in the leg and that is why I have this subtle limp today."
20. "As the potatoes aged, we cut off the poisonous eyes and leached them. A bitter stew combined with half a chopped lambs tongue was the result."
21. "When the pigs escaped the pen, they devoured several small children. Needless to say, the bacon was quite tender."
22. "My first love was a prostitute. She lost her arms and grew deaf. She could not hear me nor put her hands over her hears when I called her, "My love."
23. "My brother brought back many souvenirs from the war, including half of his face in a jar of formaldehyde."
24. "My father told me I had 5 sisters while my uncle said 7, and my grandfather 6. I will never know how many sisters I had or why we visit their mass grave each year on Christmas."
25. "The clown dropped dead of a heart attack during the party. The young children began to cry, but I assured them it was all a clever joke. Suddenly, laughter erupted which continued for several days... until a stench arose and the flies came to feast as he lie in the field."
26. "In Germany, a clown's routine can be quite peculiar, for the objective of entertainment is not laughter, only the brutal torture of livestock as he urinates upon himself."
27. Vera and I received the standard wedding gifts, a bottle of fine brandy and a box of cyanide capsules."
28. In Germany, girls may only wear ribbons in their hair if their father has used them to strangle a lamb."
29. In South America there is a dish that will feed you for days while poisoning your liver. It is called, "Chimichanga."
30. "The teachers did not believe me when I told them Daniel was a very disturbed pupil. He soon shoved a pencil through the headmaster's rectum."
31. "Vera went to Kindergarten in Berlin, she was saddened when she learned it was not a garden, but a cemetery."
32. "Many said the town composer's final movements eluded to a lost lover, but I know they were about his remorse...for drowning his bastard son in a cold winter's river."
33. "When the pigs escaped their pen, they devoured three small children. Needless to say, the bacon was quite tender that year."
34. "I saw the American eating a hot dog with sauerkraut much like I did as a child. Only we did not have the bun, or the dog....only the sliver of a pig's ear and the kraut. Still... it was delicious."
35. "Vera's perfume was a wonderful, wide bouquet of flowers and fruit, with a subtle hint of mustard gas."
36. "The rebels tried to bobsled down the mountain. They were obliterated by the awaiting tanks."
37. "When the desperate farmer had to cut the swine's throat, the starving children knelt and drank it's blood as if it flowed from a fountain. One young child chanted thankfully to the neck meat that would serve sustenance to live another day."
38. "After shaving the underarms of a young woman, and severing the head from a horse, my father finally told me I was a man."
39. "The rectangular device had many buttons that intrigued Bernard. He applied the device to the side of his head hopeful for a conversation that wouldn't soon be forgotten. The result was a growing pressure on his brain, excruciating pain and endless screams. I reminisced upon my days in Auschwitz."
40. "As the drug began to take it's full effect, I lost myself in the beautiful smile of the blonde nurse. Moments later, I was castrated!"
41. "Most people do not know that the game of soccer originated from a group of children kicking about the rolling head of a woman sent to the guillotine."
42. "I wasn't much of a young chemist in secondary school. I tried formulating a serum to cure a young freshman's cough, but after my miscalculations, she died within an hour of ingesting the liquid."
43. "Michelle did not just break my heart, she tried to surgically remove it and sell it to the Russians. Fortunately I developed a tolerance for anesthetics and awoke during the first incision."
44. "Germany won it's first World Cup title in 1954. I was a star player, but a tragic case of painful and infectious warts all along my neck kept me from sharing victory."
45. "After the crows pecked out the dead girl's eyes, the dark and empty crevasses revealed her true black soul."
46. "In Germany, when you lose a soccer match to the Americans, a wheel is spun, determining the number of days spent weeping quietly in a cold ditch. Survival depends upon one's urine supply."
47. "To a young woman in Germany, the flatulence of a rich man is considered an aromatic delicacy."
48. "Although both his arms were amputated due to gangrene, over the years, Uncle Franz continued to find ways to fondle my wife."
49. "When I was in elementary school, our teacher called us pumpkins." A little girl asked, "Why are we pumpkins?" Our teacher replied, "All children are pumpkins until they grow up. Then they become jack-o-lanterns." Another boy inquired "Do you mean our faces will get carved up?" "Not at all silly child, just your soul." Our teacher chuckled with a wicked laugh.
50. "Amazingly, grandfather survived two cases of rabies, but he would not outlive his third. Some of his last words were, "I'm going to ravage your grandmother one last time!"
51. "There was an infamous man in our village called the 'Thin Man'. He married 12 times. 9 of his brides died of wearing extremely tight corsets and all of his children were of pale skin and bone."
52. "For most of my childhood, I took to playing with a large girlish doll. I was unaware that it was the mummified body of my second cousin, Ingrid."
53. "The crazed man would run among the streets, shouting the words of Edgar Allen Poe. Eventually he lie dead in the schoolyard with ravens pecking away at his face."
54. "My first date with a young woman was a disaster. Riding high atop a Ferris wheel, she succumbed to extreme acrophobia and died of heart failure. When the ride stopped, my screams alerted the engineer. The man responded with a wicked smile, starting the wheel up again."
55. "The auburn hair upon Gertrude's head was the softest thing Bernard had ever felt. Until he was introduced to the soil in our neighbor's backyard which became his eternal cloak."